Saturday, November 29, 2003 - Apache Junction, Arizona, USA
A GIFT IDEA FOR THE LI'L WOMAN
Having trouble standing up to the men in your life? Does your boss constantly have you over a barrel? Got a family member who really needs to be put in their place, but you're just not up to it? Want to put down instead of being put down for a change? This is quite common amongst us girls, so I thought I’d share a secret with you today.
If you have a JUST LIKE MEN store in your city, you’re in luck! For only $99.95 you can purchase a pair of clip on balls that will give you all the intestinal fortitude you’ll ever need. They come in three strengths. Rubber for the bouncy babe that wants to be a bit brash but doesn’t want to overdue it. Stainless Steel for the everyday housewife that wants to stand up to her kids and hubbykins. And pure Titanium for that wannabe ball buster career chica that needs to put her boss and co-workers in their place quickly and decisively. Sizes from petite to eye openers are available for your comfort.
Just where do they clip on, you might ask? Well, if you’re a bikini waxer or keep it shaved, you might have some problems, but the rest of us usually find enough “vello” to hang them from. Obviously they’ll take a little getting used to as far as comfort is concerned. Face it girls, we're just not used to having something bulky between our legs. And for gawd sakes, don’t forget to take them off when you potty down. Otherwise you'll try standing up and it just doesn't work very well. Aside from wet shoes and a messy floor, you'll forget to put the toilet seat down.
The plus side to these feminine "huevos" should be obvious. You’ll never have to put up with the bullshit again. You’ll find yourself as aggressive and dominate as you’ve ever wanted to be the second you clip them on. Your verbal jibes will be glib, sarcastic, and on the money. You won't take "no" for an answer any longer. You'll set records for flipping the bird in traffic. Is there a downside? Indeed.
Thanks to your new hairy nutcrackers there will be times when you over do it and make a complete ass of yourself. You’ll blurt out nonsensical ideas at inappropriate times. You'll use sports analagies that make absolutely no sense to anyone. Speaking of sports, their will be this conpulsive desire to watch everything having to do with sports on the telly. You'll watch the pregame show, then the game, then the recap. You'll watch every news report about the game including sports center and local news on every local station, read about the game in the paper, discuss the game with your friends, you might even video tape the game so you can rewatch it over and over again. You'll experience a growing interest in cars and trucks, mayhaps even finding yourself becoming mechanically inclined. There will be times, when speaking with a good looking woman, you'll be unable to take your eyes off her breasts. You’ll have no desire to control flatulence, ripping off triple cheekers at will and actually bragging about the sound and smell.
You might want to take them off during sex, otherwise you’ll experience this incredible urge to be on top most of the time. Foreplay will become a thing of the past and when you're finished, youll simply roll over and fall asleep. As you age, the urge to have sex with your spouse will fade, but at the office you'll be a randy crotch sniffing horn dawg with a compulsion to tell off-color jokes and stories to any innocent within earshot. Unfortunately, you’re friend will still be visiting every month. They’re only clip-ons, after all. No miracles here.
Christmas is coming. They make an excellent gift for that shrinking violet in your family!
©2003 Marcia Ellen "Happy" Beevre
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Friday, November 28, 2003 - Apache Junction, Arizona, USA
BLACK FRIDAY
What on earth are you doing here reading this? Don’t you know today is Black Friday? Today is the longest, most profitable, most compulsive, most ridiculous shopping day of the year. Today marks the traditional opening of the Christmas shopping season. Hark the Mesa Tribune sings, advertising wondrous things. God rest ye merry merchants may ye make the yuletide pay. Angles we have heard on high, tell us to go out and BUY!!
Gather your family together.
Rush to the stores of your choice.
Enter before noon for the best deals.
Enjoy running up your credit cards.
Don’t think about the bills.
Ever wonder what it’s like working in a store on Black Friday? Many start their day before 5am and don’t finish until after midnight. The overtime is good you might think. Actually, many don’t make overtime and next year even fewer will see overtime money in their paychecks thanks to Mr. Bush. No, working in a store on Black Friday and every day thereafter until the first week in January ends, is a nerve-wracking, thankless, headache that offers few highlights. The lowlights are many and memorable. Why all the hassle and bother?
Most stores make ½ - ¾ of their yearly profits in December.
One has to give the shoppers what they want.
No one cares what the workers go through.
Everyone knows they make a bundle off the sales.
You have to strike while the iron is hot.
So get out there and shop! You’re president has told you that the economy is on the mend. Prove him right for a change and spend money you don’t have today. Don’t spend a little, spend a lot. We’re recovering. The market is up.
At about 3am tomorrow, stretch limos will pull up to warehouses and stores across the nation. Wealthy CEOs and store owners will unlock their doors, step inside, smile at all the empty shelves and sing, “What a friend we have in Jesus.” Then they’ll raise a glass to Georgie Bush, thankful that most of their profits will be tax free this year.
©2003 Marcia Ellen "Happy" Beevre
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Thursday, November 27, 2003 - Apache Junction, Arizona, USA
THANKSGIVING GRACE
Please sit down to this our bounty
For we have reaped what we have sown
Now it sits before us groaning
To hear of truths so long unknown
Let us rouse our minds to hearken
To the way affairs have fallen
On the peoples that were foremost
When this epoch rushed to darken
Before the thunders of world war
Before the strife between us tore
Before the revolution’s roar
The English landed on this shore
They found a nation strong and proud
Farms built by Pawtuxet peoples
Homes and fields spread out before them
A land of plenty well endowed
They boarded ship and returned home
Reporting what they’d done and seen
They left behind a bitter seed
That took root in the fertile loam
Pawtuxet by the thousands died
A people cleansed from off the earth
All save one, the slave Squanto
The last remaining of their pride
Mayflower brought more Englishmen
Who viewed the dead and darkened homes
A blessing from their Christian God
Thanking him for selecting them
They thanked Him too for Squanto’s worth
The former slave who knew their speech
And freely taught them all the ways
To cultivate this new found earth
Years went by with celebration
The English peoples soon increased
They befriended the Wampanoag
Helping them expand their nation
But greed for land soon led to death
The Pequots, strong and powerful
Resisted slavery with the knife
And sacrificed their very breath
Village after village destroyed
All men, women, and children killed
Or captured to be sold as slaves
A future they could not avoid
The English again thanked their God
For making them so powerful
That they should be the Child of Light
By His will employing the rod
Even the Wampanoag , their friends
Would feel the sting of English greed
Divine Right tore them asunder
They found how quickly friendship ends
Their chieftain’s head placed on a pole
Where it remained for twenty years
Each English town gave God their thanks
Annually for the land they stole.
George Washington later proclaimed
One day of thanks to celebrate
Lincoln advanced Thanksgiving Day
And a new holiday was named
Of course on that exact same day
He ordered troops to fight the Sioux
Continuing in the same vein
What history books will not portray
I pray to you almighty Lord
Remove the blinders from our eyes
Forgive those who came before us
Don’t let this lesson be ignored
©2003 Marcia Ellen "Happy" Beevre
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Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - Apache Junction, Arizona, USA
WHO'S GOING TO HELL?
I'm not anti-Christian, but just who IS going to hell anyway? This question is one of the more amusing aspects of the Christian religion. Historically, the focus of the answer has always been external. A Christian’s belief says that no matter what they do (how many million innocents have been killed at the hands of Christians?) they will go to heaven but anyone who doesn’t believe as they do is going to burn in Hades forever. The odd thing is, this includes each other.
The whole concept of the Hell thing is a bit funny when you think about it. I remember my party friends saying, "Well, at least we'll all be there having a great time." And then, there's that old polka, "In heaven there is not beer. That's why we drink it here." Rember that one? I guess heaven isn't the popular place to be either. So anyway, just who is going to Hell? Let’s take a look at the Hell hot list:
- If you’re Catholic, everyone else is going to hell.
- If you’re a Fundamentalist Protestant, anyone not born again is going to hell.
- If you’re Mormon or a Jehovah’s Witness, everyone but you is going to hell. Well, not hell really, but you won’t be where they are at any rate.
- If you’re a believing Christian but support abortion rights, you’re going to hell.
- If you’re a believing Christian but you’re gay, you’re going to hell.
- If you’re not Christian but gay or lesbian, you’re an abomination and you’re most certainly going to hell.
- If you’re a witch, you deserve death and you’re going to hell.
- If you’re not a Christian and especially if you’re Jewish or Muslim, you’re definitely going to hell.
- If you’re an agnostic or atheist, hell was made for you, baby. Slide on down!
As always with Christians it’s “I’m right and you’re wrong. I have the TRUTH and you don’t. I’m going to heaven no matter what I do, and you’re going to hell no matter what kind of person you are.” Considering the above list, there’s no one going to heaven is there? Tell me, is this really the message that Christ wanted to send?
Mayhaps they’re right. The Fundies are quick to point out that we’re living in the “End Times.” A passage in Matthew has Jesus saying, “As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man.” (Matt 24:37) It goes on to give examples of who will be saved and who won’t. As I remember, only 8 were saved in Noah’s day.
Think you’ve made the short list?
©2003 Marcia Ellen "Happy" Beevre
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Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - Apache Junction, Arizona, USA
SWEETNESS
Kathleen Parker is a sweet young woman who writes articles for the sweet Tribune Media Services. Her sweet editorial was featured yesterday in the Arizona Republic. In it, she's so sweet and goes on and on about, well, let me quote her, "I love gays, and well, the whole gay thing. I love my gay friends and relatives, not to mention my hairdresser; I love what gays do to urban neighborhoods; I love gay humor, gay style and whatshisname in 'My Best Friend's Wedding.' In other words, no one would call me a homophobe."
Sweet Kathleen then goes on to prove she not only IS a homophobe, she's a two faced liar, the worst kind of hypocrite imaginable and no friend to gays in ANY sense of anyone's imagination.
Can you possibly imagine saying to someone you love, "I love you but you don't deserve the right to marry the person you love, but I do. My love is natural, yours is unnatural. My marriage will produce children but even if your married family would include children, it still isn't deserving of legality like mine is because I'm human and even though you're sweet, you're just not as human as I am. Sorry, but we're still friends, right?" This is a paraphrase of Sweet Kathleen's words.
She tells us that heterosexual marriage is, "the superior natural order that cannot be disputed." Thank you Sweet Kathleen for finally getting to the point. You are superior to me. I can imagine you speaking on the issue of black guys marrying white girls back in the 60s. "I love my black friends, not to mention my maid. I love that blacks have their own schools. But they can't marry my daughter or go to her school. The superior natural order of things just can't be disputed. No one would call me a racist for saying that would they?"
It is not difficult to see the condescending attitude projected in Sweet Kathleen's words. (By the way, the Republic ran the cartoon pictured right next to Sweet Kathleen's article.) The pathatic thing is that Sweet Kathleen herself can not see it. I believe she is being up front with her feelings. She can't see the hyprocricy at all and that's what really troubles me. Back in the 60s, the Chad Mitchell Trio wrote and sung a song about apathy toward blacks called "Which Hat Should I Wear." I've taken the liberty to update the intro and the words to the song to fit the Gay Marriage situation and to show just how similar the disguised discrimination was/is then and now. Play the song. Here are my words:
The subject of this next song
has already been covered by
Jane Austin.
"Pride and Prejudice"
is something that she wrote about.
The woman in our next song,
it'll be very apparent
as to what her prejudice really is.
Her pride seems to take the form of,
"No matter what the issue,
what's really important is that
you're dressed properly for it."
Which hat shall I wear,
the red one or blue one?
Which hat shall I wear to the CWA?
The red hat's becoming.
The blue one's a new one.
Mary come here,
tell me which
do you say?
This afternoon's meeting
of the CWA
is certain to be well attended.
For we are protesting
The ruling today
of the way marriage laws
were amended.
Now Mary
you've worked with me over a year
by now you must certainly know
that I'm very fond of gay people
my dear
and I don't mind telling you so.
Which hat shall I wear,
the red one or blue one?
Which hat shall I wear to the CWA?
The red hat's becoming.
The blue one's a new one.
Mary come here,
tell me which
do you say?
I think it's a pity your Jenny can't be
your wife like I know you both want to.
With gay liberation I fully agree
so I'm sure we can reach some detente.
But marriage you see, has been founded by God
so you can't really marry like us.
And frankly your people
aren't helping at all.
Oh, why must there be such a fuss?
Which hat shall I wear,
the red one or blue one?
Which hat shall I wear to the CWA?
The red hat's becoming.
The blue one's a new one.
Mary come here,
tell me which
do you say?
Oh dear I must hurry
and be on my way.
There's never a time
for relaxing.
Mary, my hairdo
looks wondrous today.
I know that your job
can be taxing.
The weather I hear
will treat my hair hard,
it's supposed to start raining at two.
Please charge the amount
to my little green card,
the tip, my dear,
is for you!
Which hat shall I wear,
the red one or blue one?
Which hat shall I wear to the CWA?
The red hat's becoming.
The blue one's a new one.
Mary come here,
tell me which
do you say?
©2003 Marcia Ellen "Happy" Beevre
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Monday, November 24, 2003 - Apache Junction, Arizona, USA
THE RIGHT TO KILL
Even the conservative right doesn’t want to identify with the Reverend Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas. This is a man who doesn’t understand that Hate Laws exist in this country. He’s also an ordained Christian minister who doesn’t understand that God condemns hate as much as Rev Phelps condemns “Fags.”
Ol' Rev Phelps' hatred isn't confined to gays. He hates America. He hates George Bush. He hates anything and everyone who doesn't line up with his own warped and extreme beliefs. He and his supporters have demonstrated in Hawaii, in front of George Bush's ranch, they even demonstrated in front of a hotel where Bush's WIFE was giving a speech. The carry signs, scream and yell, fly flags upside down, anything to capture attention.
To give you an example of his polished writing, this is his take on the Massachusetts court decision to legalize gay marriage: "Here's more evidence of God's wrath on a sodomite nation. Four judges in antichristic Massachusetts define marriage for the entire nation, to wit, same-sex marriage is the law! Same sex-marriage is the untilmate in-your-face, smash-mouth insult to God Almighty; as it blasphemously desecrates the holy Bible metaphore of Christ & His Bride the chruch! Gaze, America, upon the dark minded, sin benighted, God forsaken creature, Chief Justice Margaret H. Mitchell. This weird witch of Endor summons up spirits of the long-damned to breath sulfurous, satanic unction into her pile of expelled excretement called writing for the majority; 'It's unconstitutional to deny fags and dykes the right to marry.' Is it now? And what about God, your honor? What about God who made you and will cast your honorable butt into Hell by an irreversible decree without right of appeal or time off or possibility of parole, forever? Quoth our Lord Jesus Christ, 'Can't you idiots read?' "
If there is anything the Rev Phelps enjoys, it's condemning people to hell. He's even willing to spend thousands of dollars of his church's money to do it. In an excellent article in his journal, FD Tate exposed Rev Phelps for the bigot he is. This fundamentalist reverend wants to erect a monument in the hometown of Matthew Shepard, a homosexual man who was viciously killed by gay bashers while attending the University of Wyoming. (Matthew Shepard was brutally beaten and left to die in a field in Wyoming.) In the name of religious freedom and free speech, Rev Phelps is lobbying to set up a $15,000 monument in Casper with the following plaque on it:
It seems Rev Phelps would like to see more sadistic murders take place at the hands of Christian fanatics. He rationalizes God approves such heinous crimes by quoting a text from Lev 18:22 on his tablet.
One wonders how many men in the Reverend’s church follow Lev 15:19: “When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening. Anything she lies on will be unclean. Whoever touches her bed must wash his clothes and bathe with water.. etc.” How many animal sacrifices, as required in Leviticus does the Westboro Baptist Church perform? Do they celebrate every holiday God orders in this book? Does Rev Phelps have an untrimmed beard? Does his congregation stone to death members who commit adultery? How about blasphemers, are they stoned to death as well? All are required by the same Bible book that Rev Phelps quotes.
If not, I suggest that this pathetic man is nothing more that a money grabbing publicity seeking hypocritical boil on the arse of Christianity who should be lanced by his own church so the infection won't spread. The only abomination I see is YOU Rev Phelps.
©2003 Marcia Ellen "Happy" Beevre
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Sunday, November 23, 2003 - Apache Junction, Arizona, USA
THE DANCING DIETY
When he was 30,
no one was dancing.
The people were impotent
devoid of confrontation.
But he had ideas, therefore he danced.
The people only laughed at him
or ignored him
or spat upon him.
A few watched him dance.
They heard his song,
saw his eyes were full of the future,
heard his words. He gave them hope.
They joined him in his dance
but the great majority were in pain.
They didn’t want a dancer;
they longed for a better life
When he was 40,
he surrounded himself with dancers.
He danced naked for the people.
They could see all that was to be.
They saw his heart was red, white and black.
It endeared them, compelling them to dance.
They could see his loins were flaxen,
his penis, blue as Nordic ice, was diseased.
They paid no attention and begged him to dance.
His people lifted him upon their shoulders
so he could dance upon their heads.
They didn’t see the precious few
who were dying under his heel,
struck down by the dancing of his people.
Because the miracles had started,
those who had been jobless were working,
those who had been hungry could eat.
The people stood tall again.
When he was 50,
they gave him a parade.
Now all his people danced.
Many more were laid waste by dancing feet
None of the dancers took notice.
The entire world refused to take heed.
His people made him a god, for his dancing.
Great nations came and danced with him.
They gave him everything he requested.
Nations gave away nations.
Many suffered and died but many more rejoiced.
“He will be happy now,” they said.
He continued to dance.
To his own he was a dancing deity
whom they supported above all things.
They revered him.
They displayed his wonders for the world to see.
He worked another miracle.
He bade his lifelong enemy to dance
The Bear joined him, dancing with Uncle Wolf.
Shortly thereafter, Uncle Wolf shot his neighbor.
Everyone stopped dancing.
He died before he was 60.
Millions whom he danced with
and upon are dead as well.
He was a prophetic man.
He proved that time and chance
befall us all.
There is one who will
take up his song in the future
Soon, the people will dance again.
©2003 Marcia Ellen "Happy" Beevre
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