Saturday, November 29, 2003 - Apache Junction, Arizona, USA


Having trouble standing up to the men in your life? Does your boss constantly have you over a barrel? Got a family member who really needs to be put in their place, but you're just not up to it? Want to put down instead of being put down for a change? This is quite common amongst us girls, so I thought I’d share a secret with you today.

If you have a JUST LIKE MEN store in your city, you’re in luck! For only $99.95 you can purchase a pair of clip on balls that will give you all the intestinal fortitude you’ll ever need. They come in three strengths. Rubber for the bouncy babe that wants to be a bit brash but doesn’t want to overdue it. Stainless Steel for the everyday housewife that wants to stand up to her kids and hubbykins. And pure Titanium for that wannabe ball buster career chica that needs to put her boss and co-workers in their place quickly and decisively. Sizes from petite to eye openers are available for your comfort.

Just where do they clip on, you might ask? Well, if you’re a bikini waxer or keep it shaved, you might have some problems, but the rest of us usually find enough “vello” to hang them from. Obviously they’ll take a little getting used to as far as comfort is concerned. Face it girls, we're just not used to having something bulky between our legs. And for gawd sakes, don’t forget to take them off when you potty down. Otherwise you'll try standing up and it just doesn't work very well. Aside from wet shoes and a messy floor, you'll forget to put the toilet seat down.

The plus side to these feminine "huevos" should be obvious. You’ll never have to put up with the bullshit again. You’ll find yourself as aggressive and dominate as you’ve ever wanted to be the second you clip them on. Your verbal jibes will be glib, sarcastic, and on the money. You won't take "no" for an answer any longer. You'll set records for flipping the bird in traffic. Is there a downside? Indeed.

Thanks to your new hairy nutcrackers there will be times when you over do it and make a complete ass of yourself. You’ll blurt out nonsensical ideas at inappropriate times. You'll use sports analagies that make absolutely no sense to anyone. Speaking of sports, their will be this conpulsive desire to watch everything having to do with sports on the telly. You'll watch the pregame show, then the game, then the recap. You'll watch every news report about the game including sports center and local news on every local station, read about the game in the paper, discuss the game with your friends, you might even video tape the game so you can rewatch it over and over again. You'll experience a growing interest in cars and trucks, mayhaps even finding yourself becoming mechanically inclined. There will be times, when speaking with a good looking woman, you'll be unable to take your eyes off her breasts. You’ll have no desire to control flatulence, ripping off triple cheekers at will and actually bragging about the sound and smell.

You might want to take them off during sex, otherwise you’ll experience this incredible urge to be on top most of the time. Foreplay will become a thing of the past and when you're finished, youll simply roll over and fall asleep. As you age, the urge to have sex with your spouse will fade, but at the office you'll be a randy crotch sniffing horn dawg with a compulsion to tell off-color jokes and stories to any innocent within earshot. Unfortunately, you’re friend will still be visiting every month. They’re only clip-ons, after all. No miracles here.

Christmas is coming. They make an excellent gift for that shrinking violet in your family!

©2003 Marcia Ellen "Happy" Beevre
# posted by Marcia Ellen @ 7:24 AM
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