Saturday, November 15, 2003 - Apache Junction, Arizona, USA
THE DARK SIDE OF THE LIFESTYLE
Do you enjoy having to lie about something? Being lesbian, gay or bisexual, we're often forced into lying by circumstance. If you've ever had to lie to your family, friends, boss, or co-workers about anything, you know what I mean. The feelings of guilt, shame and lack of self worth are enormous, especially for children. Being forced to lie robs us of our inner beauty and makes us feel wrong. It's a trap which often offers no way out for many of us.
Lying becomes a habit. Like any bad habit it can be difficult to break. If we ae used to lying, how easy is it to lie to ourselves and others about anything? This is a contributing factor to the inconstancies of our lifestyle. Sometimes it's very hard to believe the words, "I love you." There are demons of past experiences that plague us. These shadows take on many forms. They can be memories of things we've done or things done to us. They might even be manifestations of our fears.
What's the answer? Come out? Easier said than done in most cases. Some of us stay in because we're tired of being made to feel wrong. The arguments, the hate, the fear of us by others, it isn't worth it. While it does relieve the lying problem, it's often viewed as jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
Some fear the loss of a job. Especially in an employment climate where jobs are difficult to find. Yet think what it's like to work everyday in a place where you can't let anyone know who you really are? Where you can't have a picture of your partner on your desk or invite them to attend company functions. What does that do to the self esteem? Could the price you pay to stay in be too steep?
Most of the friends I have are out to everyone. Those who aren't are still suffering in their silence. Myself, I wouldn't be able to take it. If someone can't accept me for who I am, up theirs. I could care less if it was a mother, father, family member, employer, co-worker or whatever. I'm as good as anyone else and I can stand up and say that to anyone's face. I don't stick around where I'm not wanted. But I can empathize with those who must.
With some, the guilt, the plunging self esteem, the feelings of hatred by family, the fear of going it alone, it gets to be too much. Mistakenly, it seems the only way out is suicide. No one should be placed in a position like that simply because of their sexuality - something over which they have absolutely no control. No matter how you slice it, it isn't right.
©2003 Marcia Ellen "Happy" Beevre
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